Friday, February 12, 2010

I don't even know how to begin...

This morning as I wrote Love on my arm, took pictures of it and posted it here I never dreamed how close everything that To Write Love On Her Arms stands for would hit close to home.

It didn't just hit close to home.

It exploded. In a nuclear way.

And my day that began with writing Love on my arm quickly turned to devastation.

My oldest sister.
The one in whose wedding I was the flower girl at the tender age of 5.
The one who took me to get my ears pierced before my mom would let me.
Who I loved and looked up too.
Who struggled with depression, anxiety, chronic headaches and fibromyalgia.
Who, sadly, battled an addiction to pain meds.
Did not wake up this morning.

She is gone.

The word Love. It is still there. On my arm.

My sister? Is gone.

It has been an extremely emotionally trying and draining day. I was the one who had to tell my Mom that her oldest child was gone. She was supposed to have been staying the night with Mom tonight. And she is not. She is gone.

I know. I know. She is not really gone. She still lives on but...

I am dealing with so many different emotions swirling and pulling and tugging and tearing at me. I don't even know where to place them or how to name them.

I don't even know how to begin.

60 comments:

Angie said...

Shanna, I am so sorry. When I left you that message earlier today I had no idea. We love you and are thinking of you and have your family in our prayers.

Mindi said...

please know that i am sending love to you from down this way.

no words can comfort you right now--this just sucks. so i won't try.

families are forever.

muggins mahooney said...

(((HUGS)))

Kristina P. said...

Shanna, I am so, so sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you and you family. My heart ached as I read this post.

Motherboard said...

Shanna, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. My heart aches for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult journey.

We all love you, here in Blog-land.

Teachinfourth said...

Shanna - Reading this reminded me of my mom. This past summer was a horrible experience where the sadness and grief was ripped in and out of my body so many times.

I can relate somewhat to what you must be feeling. But words don't seem to help right now, do they? Not really.

Thinking of you...

the fowlers said...

I actually thought about the irony of the Love on Her Arms post a little yesterday. I think this is something that just can't sink in immediately. It's going to hit and keep hitting for a long time.
We're lucky to have such a wonderful family that will pull together. Love you and miss you - whole bunches and bunches. Tell everyone how much I wish I could be there and how I can't wait to see them.

Mary said...

Even with an eternal perspective, everyone needs their time to grieve. Know that you are loved and will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Rici said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Shanna. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Brooke said...

Shanna, I'm so sorry. We lost my Grandpa this week and I'm actually here in Utah for the funeral right now. Even with the knowledge we have, it doesn't make the loss any less painful. Sometimes it hurts so bad, but sometimes I'm grateful that I can feel the pain, because that means there was a lot of love there. I'm so sorry, big hugs...

Michele Keegan said...

So very sorry, Shanna. I don't really have any words that can comfort you, but I'm so sorry and am keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. (((Hugs)))

Barbaloot said...

I am so sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts and I hope you can find comfort soon.

Lisa Lou said...

I'm so sorry! Let me know if you need anything. I would be more than willing! Praying for you and your family.

Brooke said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking about you and praying for you.

Cottage Cheese Thighs said...

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for your loss. Know that all of your friends in blogland are thinking of you and your family.

Julie said...

Shanna I'm so sorry. My deepest heartfelt prayers and condolences go out to you and your family at this time. {{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Stan and Shelli Clark said...

Shanna, I am so sorry. Pam had a difficult life. She was very sweet to my my entire childhood. She was my neighbor since I was 6 months old. Brianna was my little sister's good friend. Sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Emmy said...

I am so so sorry. I will keep you all in my prayers today.

Funky Kim said...

Oh Shanna! I'm so very sorry.

Jillene said...

I am so sorry Shanna. I hope that you find peace and comfort at this trying time. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. If you need anything--please let me know. ♥♥

Leslie said...

I am so, so sorry. I wish I was there to give you a hug or help with something. I'll be praying for your family.

Nikki said...

I wish I was there too Shana. I'm so sorry. SO sorry. I'll be praying for you as well. **HUGS**

Jo said...

I am sure no words can bring any measure of comfort to your sorrow. Just know you are loved and thought of.

mindi said...

I cannot imagine. I am SO SO sorry, Shanna.

Tammy said...

Shanna, I am so sorry! Pam was an amazing person. I remember looking up to her when I was a little girl too. She was so cool. I haven't seen her much lately, but I will miss her. My heart goes out to your family. Love you!

Tyran, the Yeti Yogi said...

We often think that words at times like these don't help much. Words have power far beyond what we might believe. Thank you all for your words, they mean so very much.

My beloved, I love you and my heart breaks for your pain. Remember, that whatever challenges dear Pam may now face she has family there to help and that as we face this challenge, we too have family to support us.

We are grateful for all the family who are supporting us, those who are family by blood, by marriage and by the loving ties of friendship.

DeNae said...

My heart really goes out to you and to your family. My sisters mean the world to me; I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Oh, my, heck!!! I am so sad for you and your family right now. I wish I could just give you a big hug and make it all go away.

AS Amber said...

Right up there. Two comments up. That's my oldest sister. I just can't imagine what you're going through. I don't know how to help you deal with this. Other than to offer my prayers with everyone else's. I love you, Shanna!
I stopped to hug you but you were in the tub. I hope you didn't wash the love off your arm.
I'll be in touch!

tammy said...

So so sorry Shanna.

Birdnest said...

Shanna, I am so sorry about your sister. Please know that innumerable prayers are being sent for your peace at this difficult time! Much love, Peggy

Nick and Emily said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. I'll keep you in my prayers. and perhaps now is a good time to return the dinners favor. What day this next week can i bring you in some dinner... or lunch... or whatever you might need?

tiburon said...

Oh sweetheart - I am so so sorry.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Your family is in my prayers - I know this has got to be devastating.

Annette Lyon said...

I know there's nothing anyone can say to make it better--just know that a lot of us are thinking of you and your family.

springrose said...

I am so sorry! Hugs and prayers are being sent your way! I wish I lived close and could do more!

Jami said...

I'm so sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.

M-Cat said...

I am so, so, sorry. There's not even words I can offer.

Know that I am thinking of you, and praying for you.

xoxox

gurrbonzo said...

Oh, friend. I'm so sorry.

Erin said...

Shanna, I'm so sorry! I wish I could be nearby to hug you and help you with cleaning your house or making dinner or whatever I could do to help. Please know I will be praying for you and your family.

veronica said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I can pray for you. And I will.

Debbie / Cranberry Fries said...

Shuana this post was so tender and raw. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that you're able to fine peace and comfort.

Mindy said...

Shanna, My prayers and Love are with you. I can't wait until the next time I see you so I can hug you!! I'm sorry for your loss. Addiction is a nasty disease that has hurt so many people. If I can do anything... I want to help. Can I bring you dinner one night?? I would love to.
I love you.
Mindy (Beagley) Olsen

Wendyburd1 said...

I am so sorry Shanna. What a horrible thing to happen. ((HUGS))
She is in a better place, somewhere where she won't feel the pain anymore. I am so sorry for you and your loved ones.

Honey and Hotstuff said...

Shanna,
My heart aches for you and your family at this time. I know of some of the emotions you are dealing with right now. I am sending you all of my love and prayers for you and your family. We never get over it but we do get through it.
~honey

The Wixom Zoo said...

I'm so, so sorry!

Rachel Sue said...

Shanna, I am so so so sorry. I can't even imagine. Please know that there are so many prayers headed your way.

Heather Scissor Hands said...

I love ya girl... it has been a crazy week! I wanted to be there for you also BUT GUESS WHAT.. It just goes to show that we are here for each other even when we cannot be physically... It is because of our Savior I can feel your prayers and you can feel mine. I am here for you... we really need to cry on each others shoulders!! As always my thoughts and prayers are with you!! U R SO AMAZING & I LOVE YOU!

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Shanna, I am so, so sorry for everything that you're going through right now. You and your family are in my thoughts & prayers and I hope you'll be able to find some peace & comfort to help you through.

Madalyn said...

I just love being a part of your extended family! You guys are so strong, and I admire the way you all come together as family to hold each other up during these hard times.
I was on the phone with Shaylee when Bri called her on the other line with the horrible news. My heart broke when Shay returned to my line with that news. It would tear me apart if I lost a sibling. Please know that I'm praying for all the family!

Emma said...

I hope you are doing the best you can do!!! I am so sorry!

Vanessa said...

I am so so sorry. I just don't even know what to say. I am thinking about you.

Laura Dunaway said...

I just found your blog thru a friends recommendation. I am so sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

wendy said...

You still have Love
and your memories

I am so sorry. Must be terribly hard for all of you right now. I hope your love and faith will sustain you.

Amander said...

Shauna,
I hadn't caught up on your blog until tonight. I am so, so sorry to hear about your sister. I hope you are able to find some peace through this tragic time.

Lori said...

Shanna, I am so sorry. What a terrible, terrible thing to happen, and to have to deal with. Begin with your love for her, I guess. Start there, and travel to her love for you, and rest in the knowledge that those things remain. They were never corporal. Presence was never necessary to witness to your love for each other.

All of your blogger friends are here for you.

Melinda said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! I will make sure to put you and your family in my prayers.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry! This is an enormous loss, made all the harder because you can never prepare for something like this. All of our prayers are with you.

Momnerd said...

This is the first time I've found your blog. And now I'm in tears. See, I have a sister who has taken too much medication on purpose. A few times. She always says that there is no way it would ever kill her....
Oh, I know I'm nowhere close to feeling what you feel. But I have this bitter taste of it, and my insides ache for you and your family.

Heather said...

Shanna, my thoughts and prayers go out to you, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your sister sounded like she was so fun and I probably would have liked her if I had met her. Keep those memories of your sister close to your heart and remember she will always be with you. May all the love and blessings be with you and your family Shanna. Heather Blau

Shawn said...

Oh dear----I can't find the words to express my sympathy for your loss----I haven't been around lately---and so much has happened!

Take care, sweet lady and my prayers will be with you....