Wednesday, November 13, 2013


It has been a long few days.  There were moments where I didn't pay attention to details and that inattention made me feel dumb. My patience was tested and I had to decide whether to act or react. There are moments that I was not proud of.  No one else was around to see some of these specific moments, only me.  And I am so much harder on myself than anyone else is.  Other times people were there.

Yesterday McKenna reminded me that Young Women in Excellence was that night and that it was Sunday dress, I am not proud to say that I rolled my head and my eyes back and a long sigh escaped my lips.  "Mom, you don't have to go." she said.  I wanted to go, it was just one more thing coming my way and I reacted.  I wish she hadn't witnessed that. I wish I had taken action and told her how excited I was for it. Alas what was done was done.

Immediately upon finishing dinner I hurriedly slipped on a skirt and some boots, ran a comb through my hair, hopped in the front seat of the Durango and McKenna (with her newly minted licence, YAY Kenna!) drove us to the church.  They had tables all set up with the girls' projects on them.  For the first 15 to 20 minutes each girl stood by her project as parents and family members walked by and asked questions.  McKenna's project was for the value of Knowledge.  She learned how to tie a quilt. (She also learned how expensive it can be to make a quilt.)

Then we sat down for the program.  There was the opening prayer and a hymn.  We stood together and recited the Young Women's theme

Then each of the values was presented by a young woman in the ward.  McKenna did a wonderful job of her presentation on Integrity.  At this point one of the young women came forward to share her value project which was learning to play the violin.  She chose her favorite hymn "If You Could Hie to Kolob".

As this beautiful young woman stood at the front of the room full of her family and her peers and played her piece, the Spirit spoke to me.  She played that hymn on the violin imperfectly perfect. Some of the notes weren't quite right but she didn't stop, she kept on going. As she continued to play I watched her parents.  I could tell that they were pleased with her efforts.

Sitting there on the back row, I was given a small glimpse into how our Heavenly Father views us.

We each have melodies to share.  And each day we are given that chance to go out and put our melodies out there. That can be scary.  Sometimes the melodies are loud, sometimes they are soft.  Some days the melodies are bright and cheery and people are drawn to them.  Other days they are somber and dark and they seem to keep people at bay. Sometimes we hit every note and other times we fall flat, or we are too sharp and sometimes we even break down.

During all of this our Father in Heaven is sitting in the audience.  He can't play our part for us, we have to do that on our own.  So He sits.  Watching quietly, lovingly.  He sends us His support from above. We know that He is out there. There are times when may not be able to see Him because we are blinded by the footlights or the spotlight, but He is always there, sitting on the very front row, cheering us on.  It matters not to Him if your melody is large or small.  It may just be one note.  It may be that you have one particular piece that you are trying to figure out and it feels like you keep playing it, over and over and over and OVER.  He cares not.  He just loves to hear you play.  He never tires of hearing that same piece over and over.

He waits patiently for you to graduate to your next melody. He knows what our next piece will be even when we don't. It may be a major piece with many difficult and hard to understand parts or it may be a simple joyful melody.  It may last for a minute, an hour, a day, or years.

Last night I could almost envision His smile as He watched these beautiful daughters of His share the melodies that they each have.  And let me tell you. Those girls?  Their melodies?  They are rich and amazing.  Even when they are nervous about sharing they are still willing to do so.  And they are beautiful, each and every one.  There was a symphony in that cultural hall last night.

If you have time listen to this song called Glorious, it's only three and half minutes long.  It fits so perfectly. Read the lyrics as you listen, or just read the lyrics...

Written by Stephanie Mabey, Performed by Russ Dixon

There are times when you might feel aimless
And can’t see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It’s been there within you all along
And when you’re near it
You can almost hear it

It’s like a symphony just keep listening
And pretty soon you’ll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious
You will know how to let it ring out

As you discover who you are
Others around you will start to wake up
To the sounds that are in their hearts
It’s so amazing
What we’re all creating

It’s like a symphony just keep listening
And pretty soon you’ll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious

And as you feel, the notes build, you will see

It’s like a symphony just keep listening
And pretty soon you’ll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious

Today, if you will, take a minute to listen and you will hear melodies all around you and, most importantly, within you.  Figure out what your melody is. And whatever it may be....know that He is listening and enjoying your part, He always is and He always will.

Friday, November 8, 2013

I weigh 236 pounds

Or there about.  It depends on the time of day and what I'm wearing when I step on the scales.

(And no I don't have a problem telling people my weight.  OBVIOUSLY.  It is just a number. It doesn't define who I am.)

But let's say someone was describing me to you and they told you I weighed 236 pounds how big would you imagine me to be?

Take a look at this info-graphic talking about the shrinking size of airline seats and the growing size of (I'm ASSuming) an average sized human.

Do you see that?  That extra large graphic that they have at the end.  Look closely and see what the weight is for an average female.

166 pounds.  I wish you could hear me screaming this in my head.

166 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at the graphic.  Look at it.  The rounded abdomen, how the arms are bowed out an around like the poor 166 POUND person couldn't put her arms straight down because....HELL... SHE IS HUGE!

Now let me tell you something else.

In college I weighed 163 pounds.  That was when I was in top physical condition.  I was a college athlete.  I worked pretty much daily.  At that weight my size was between an 8 and 10.  I felt pretty good about myself.

But hey, now? After seeing this graphic.   NOW I know better.  NOW I see what I REALLY must have looked like to everyone else.

I must have looked like a fat $#%.

So, I wonder what I look like to people now?  At 236 pounds.

Gosh I shouldn't even be able to walk.  I should be like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate factory and have to be rolled around.

It is no wonder there so many people with body image issues.