Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Because Of Him

This coming Sunday is Easter.  They day that we celebrate the resurrection of  Jesus Christ.  Take a moment to watch this video.

Because of Him I have the power to be forgiven.  And to forgive.  I can start all over again.
Some days it feels like I am taking the same step over and over and over again.  Trying to learn what I need to learn from that repetition.  I am so thankful for the chance I have to repeat things to learn and grow.

Because of Him I have peace.  I have knowledge that this life is not all there is.  That I will go on.  That I will be able to see those loved ones who have died.  I will be able to feel their arms wrapped around me and see their smiles, hear their laughter.

Because of Him I can be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend.

His love makes me want to improve and be better.

And He lives.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Struggles with Trust and Forgiveness

Trust.  Forgive.

Two powerful words. Two powerful ideas.  Two powerful emotions.

Two things that I struggle with...especially within a specific relationship in my life.

The trust just isn't there.  It hasn't just been shattered it's been ground down into sand and blown away. There may be a few grains that remain here and there, but by and large there is no trust.

Words come out of this person's mouth and I do not believe what is said.  So many untruths and lies have fallen from those lips that it doesn't occur to me that they might be speaking the truth.

I want to believe them. I want to trust that what they are saying is real. I reach for those grains that are left only to feel them slipping through my fingers as my trust issues come raging forward like a whirlwind to whisk them away.

And then I feel guilty.  Guilty because I don't believe them.

Then comes the anger because it's not my fault that they lied.  It's not my fault that their actions over years and years and years and years AND YEARS have eroded that trust and their actions continue to sweep away whatever minute amount is left.

There are mitigating factors.  Oh yes there are.  And I work really hard at viewing those mitigating factors to put things into perspective to help me work towards that second word.


Have I extended forgiveness to them?

I ask myself this question on a regular basis.

If I have forgiven them then shouldn't trust come more easily?  Is that trust then restored because of the forgiveness?

I don't know.  I don't feel like that is the way it goes down.  I truly don't.  They haven't changed.  I am the one who has changed.  Not them.  They are still going about their lives exactly as before.

It's kind of a cycle.  They tell me something I want to trust them but then things just don't add up. And it's strange how that happens more often than not.  Then comes the trust issues, the doubt, the remembrance of all the lies that have been told before, the mitigating circumstances come into play and I try to remember them.   I get angry.  I get sad.  I feel beaten down.

I try to forgive.
But I really don't know if I have.

I often think of the stories of the Prodigal's Son and of Joseph who was sold into Egypt.  Both great stories of forgiveness. Wonderful stories.  Partial stories.  We don't know what happened after the great feast that was held at the return of the son.  Did he straighten out his life and stay on to help his father and his brother? Did he work to rebuild that trust that had been broken?  Was he truly repentant or was he just saying what his father wanted to hear because he had nowhere else to go?  Did Joseph ever truly trust his brothers again? Was he afraid to be around them?  Was he able to forgive them completely?

These are questions that I ponder as I struggle with trust and forgiveness.

Monday, March 17, 2014

New Calling and a Birthday Shout Out

Last week we got a call from the ward secretary telling us that the bishop wanted to come to our house and talk to us.  Which isn't in and of itself weird...except it is.  When you are asked to meet with the bishop it's typically in his office at the meeting house, he doesn't come to your house.  So, yeah, it was a bit strange.

We weren't quite sure what it was that the bishop wanted to meet with us about.  Well Ty wasn't.  I was pretty sure what was going to go down.  I just didn't know which part of the deep end I was going to be thrown in.  

Our ward Relief Society presidency has been serving for four years now.  And our president had actually been in the previous presidency for three years as the secretary so I knew that a change was coming. Thoughts of this kept coming to my mind. I could feel that I might play a part in this change and in a conversation with my Heavenly Father I told Him that I could feel this.  I also told Him that if this was where I was supposed to serve then I would do so willingly and with a happy heart.

I have never served in a Relief Society calling before.  I have served multiple times in the Young Women's and Primary organizations but not in Relief Society.  

So when the bishop showed up on our doorstep Thursday night I was pretty sure why, but like I said I didn't know if I would be called as the president or what.  I was extended the call to be the Relief Society secretary.  When those words came out of the bishop's mouth I was highly relieved and nervous at the same time.  I was told that Nan Atwood was going to be the President but they couldn't tell me the counselors names because they hadn't extended the callings to either of them.  

I tried calling Nan on Saturday but I couldn't get a hold of her.  Sunday came around and I went to an early morning choir practice.  Our choir organist is Laurie Ellington and I got the feeling that she might be one of the counselors but I couldn't exactly ask her...turns out she was called to be the second counselor.  The first counselor is Colleen Christensen.  She is a newer member of our ward and I don't know her really well but I am looking forward to getting to know her better.

Things are going to get busier with this new calling but I am thankful for it.  I know that this is where I am supposed to be serving.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it but it's not a big nervous because I know that I am not in this alone. I have the Spirit of the Lord to guide and direct me. I have three fabulous women that I will be serving with and the women in our ward are amazing.  I look forward to getting to know all of them better as well.

And coincidentally today is the birthday of the Relief Society!  Relief Society is the oldest and largest women's organization in the world.  It was founded 172 years ago today!  Happy Birthday Relief Society!!

If you would like to learn more about this organization of the women in the L.D.S church you can go here...

and here