Struggles with Trust and Forgiveness

Trust.  Forgive.

Two powerful words. Two powerful ideas.  Two powerful emotions.

Two things that I struggle with...especially within a specific relationship in my life.

The trust just isn't there.  It hasn't just been shattered it's been ground down into sand and blown away. There may be a few grains that remain here and there, but by and large there is no trust.

Words come out of this person's mouth and I do not believe what is said.  So many untruths and lies have fallen from those lips that it doesn't occur to me that they might be speaking the truth.

I want to believe them. I want to trust that what they are saying is real. I reach for those grains that are left only to feel them slipping through my fingers as my trust issues come raging forward like a whirlwind to whisk them away.

And then I feel guilty.  Guilty because I don't believe them.

Then comes the anger because it's not my fault that they lied.  It's not my fault that their actions over years and years and years and years AND YEARS have eroded that trust and their actions continue to sweep away whatever minute amount is left.

There are mitigating factors.  Oh yes there are.  And I work really hard at viewing those mitigating factors to put things into perspective to help me work towards that second word.

Forgive.

Have I extended forgiveness to them?

I ask myself this question on a regular basis.

If I have forgiven them then shouldn't trust come more easily?  Is that trust then restored because of the forgiveness?

I don't know.  I don't feel like that is the way it goes down.  I truly don't.  They haven't changed.  I am the one who has changed.  Not them.  They are still going about their lives exactly as before.

It's kind of a cycle.  They tell me something I want to trust them but then things just don't add up. And it's strange how that happens more often than not.  Then comes the trust issues, the doubt, the remembrance of all the lies that have been told before, the mitigating circumstances come into play and I try to remember them.   I get angry.  I get sad.  I feel beaten down.

I try to forgive.
But I really don't know if I have.

I often think of the stories of the Prodigal's Son and of Joseph who was sold into Egypt.  Both great stories of forgiveness. Wonderful stories.  Partial stories.  We don't know what happened after the great feast that was held at the return of the son.  Did he straighten out his life and stay on to help his father and his brother? Did he work to rebuild that trust that had been broken?  Was he truly repentant or was he just saying what his father wanted to hear because he had nowhere else to go?  Did Joseph ever truly trust his brothers again? Was he afraid to be around them?  Was he able to forgive them completely?

These are questions that I ponder as I struggle with trust and forgiveness.

New Calling and a Birthday Shout Out

Last week we got a call from the ward secretary telling us that the bishop wanted to come to our house and talk to us.  Which isn't in and of itself weird...except it is.  When you are asked to meet with the bishop it's typically in his office at the meeting house, he doesn't come to your house.  So, yeah, it was a bit strange.

We weren't quite sure what it was that the bishop wanted to meet with us about.  Well Ty wasn't.  I was pretty sure what was going to go down.  I just didn't know which part of the deep end I was going to be thrown in.  

Our ward Relief Society presidency has been serving for four years now.  And our president had actually been in the previous presidency for three years as the secretary so I knew that a change was coming. Thoughts of this kept coming to my mind. I could feel that I might play a part in this change and in a conversation with my Heavenly Father I told Him that I could feel this.  I also told Him that if this was where I was supposed to serve then I would do so willingly and with a happy heart.

I have never served in a Relief Society calling before.  I have served multiple times in the Young Women's and Primary organizations but not in Relief Society.  

So when the bishop showed up on our doorstep Thursday night I was pretty sure why, but like I said I didn't know if I would be called as the president or what.  I was extended the call to be the Relief Society secretary.  When those words came out of the bishop's mouth I was highly relieved and nervous at the same time.  I was told that Nan Atwood was going to be the President but they couldn't tell me the counselors names because they hadn't extended the callings to either of them.  

I tried calling Nan on Saturday but I couldn't get a hold of her.  Sunday came around and I went to an early morning choir practice.  Our choir organist is Laurie Ellington and I got the feeling that she might be one of the counselors but I couldn't exactly ask her...turns out she was called to be the second counselor.  The first counselor is Colleen Christensen.  She is a newer member of our ward and I don't know her really well but I am looking forward to getting to know her better.

Things are going to get busier with this new calling but I am thankful for it.  I know that this is where I am supposed to be serving.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it but it's not a big nervous because I know that I am not in this alone. I have the Spirit of the Lord to guide and direct me. I have three fabulous women that I will be serving with and the women in our ward are amazing.  I look forward to getting to know all of them better as well.

And coincidentally today is the birthday of the Relief Society!  Relief Society is the oldest and largest women's organization in the world.  It was founded 172 years ago today!  Happy Birthday Relief Society!!

If you would like to learn more about this organization of the women in the L.D.S church you can go here...

What is Relief Society?

and here

Relief Society

Listen! Do you smell something?

Change.  

I smell change.

Change is in the air.

I feel like life has been picking up speed lately and it doesn't look to be slowing down any time soon.  I am not a fan of a fast paced life. Which is one of the reasons why I don't run.

 (HA! Do  you see what I did there?)

But I don't mind change (most of the time). Do you?

One of the bigger changes coming my way is that my mom is going to be moving in with us at the end of April.  I am nervous and excited and happy about this change all at once.  I know that it's going to be a big adjustment for everyone and I also know that this is a change for the better.

I love my mom.  She is one of the most selfless, kind, generous, Christlike people that I know.  I look back over the years and I am amazed at everything that she did.  Her life has been one of sacrifice.  She selflessly gave of herself and always put others before her.  The time has come where she needs to be put first.

I am genuinely looking forward to having her sweet presence in our home.  One of the hardest parts of this all is that in doing this my mom will be selling her house.  The house where myself and my seven siblings were all born and raised.

That will be a difficult change. Thankfully we have a lifetime full of memories.

Memories of sitting on the back lawn snipping beans, the years and years of breakfasts on the Fourth of July, filling up the canoe with water and using it as our swimming pool, playing in the irrigation water, watching my brothers wrestling on the living room floor and hearing my mom or dad yell "Take it outside!", memories of the fires in the fireplace and dad sleeping in his recliner, chopping wood with my dad to feed that fire, the metal shopping cart from I don't know where that held the wood for the fire, mom making homemade bread and scones on a Saturday afternoon, sitting at the top of the stairs and yelling down to my brothers "Get up and milk the cows!" so we could open our presents on Christmas morning, the pocket door that was closed on Christmas morning so we couldn't peek in and see what Santa had brought, the ironing board built into the wall, listening as the guys sat around the kitchen table and planned out the deer hunt, waking up in the Spring and looking excitedly out the back window hoping that the sheep in the back pasture had given birth during the night, memories of kneeling down as a family in the front room and having family prayer of blessings given, memories of laughter and memories with tears. and so many, many more.

I am grateful that I had the childhood that I did.  It was a lovely place to grow up and seeing it change hands will not be easy.  But it is definitely time for this change to happen.

Yes, change is definitely in the air.

Update

So much has been going on that I really haven't made the time to keep this going like I want to so I will (try to) do a quick update.

Things are going along.  After the (first) accident...FIRST you say?!?

Yes first, keep reading.

So after the first accident I took the Durango to my amazing brother-in-law Russ Hiatt and his two boys, Nate and Paul, who run Triple R Restoration.  When I told my insurance guy that I was taking it to them his response was "Well I can't guarantee their work." And in my mind I thought "That's okay.  I can."  

It was at the beginning of December and my nephew Paul called saying that the Durango was finished but he was wondering if I would do them a favor and bring my camera down and take a picture of the guys at the shop for a Christmas card.  Of course I would!  Then he asked if my kids wanted to come down because they were working on a really cool old Camaro and they might want to see it. I asked the kids if they wanted to come and check it out and George and Mckenna did. Ty was on his way to teach a yoga class so he dropped us off at the shop so we could pick up the Durango and take pictures.

When we got there they took us back into the back to show us the Camero and which was behind some sheet of plastic to my left.  It looked great.  Then I looked to my right and saw this...

 And I let out a scream.  A very loud, very long scream.  They had not only fixed the damage from the car accident but they had painted my Durango for me!!!!  A customized bright red paint job with HAND PAINTED pin-striping and the drum and feather logo from the University of Utah!!
I love the U of U!  I attended school there on a track and field scholarship in the early 90's and loved every minute of it. Being a University of Utah fan in the sea of BYU Blue that is Utah Valley can be difficult but this new paint job makes it a little bit easier :)

See that right there??? That is NOT a sticker or a magnet.

That is hand painted.

As are these cool lines on the back!

That is my awesome brother-in-law, Russ walking

behind the Durango.

Look how pretty and shiny it is!!

Not only did they paint it they got me cool new rims and tires as well.

It was so amazing.  I went around laughing and crying and hugging everybody.  I even hugged the guy that did the pin-striping.

When I asked them what I owed them they just told me that it was my Christmas present. Seriously it was so awesome.  I didn't need a single thing more.  That was enough.

That was on December 6th.  I really wasn't feeling well.  I had started up with a cough the night before at George's Christmas concert but I was fighting to stay well.  December 7th was Ty's work party and I fought my way through not feeling well so we could do to that.  

During this time Jona had his mission farewell and was getting ready to go through the temple.  I knew that and I asked for a blessing to be able to feel well enough to go through with him.  December 15th came and I was still coughing and coughing and not feeling the best but I was able to go and be there as he received his endowment. What a wonderful, beautiful experience.

But I still wasn't feeling well.  They doctor put me on Prednisone to help the inflammation in my lungs from the cough and antibiotic as well.   I did my best and tried hard not to get any sicker but my poor body just couldn't do it.  The stress from the accident, the water main break, trying to get Jona ready to start his mission, and just getting ready for the holiday's...everything had worn me down and the Sunday before Christmas I got sick. We are talking really, really ill.  I went to church that morning because Ty was the narrator for the Christmas program and I wanted to be there for that.  I'll be honest it was hard to feel the Spirit because I just did not feel good at all.  I came home after sacrament meeting and crawled into bed.

Later that afternoon I came upstairs and burst into tears.  I asked Ty to give me a (another) blessing because I just did not feel well.

At. All.

I was coughing and had a fever of 102.  I felt horrible.  We went into the the doctor the next day and found out I had the flu.  Influenza A.  I don't get the flu shot because I rarely, and when I say rarely I mean RARELY, get sick like this.  Yes I deal with sinus infections and colds and feeling bleh but it's never serious.  There has only been one other time that I can recall being like this and it was back in my Jr. High years.  I had never been like this in the 20 years that Ty and I have been married, so he was concerned.

The doctor prescribed Tamiflu since I got there within the time frame that it's supposed to help. That stuff is evil. I took it for two days and it actually made me feel worse.  I ended up just stopping it and dealing with the flu.  My sweet McKenna helped out on Christmas eve.  She was very happy because she was finally free of her neck brace!!  She cleaned the kitchen and made the dinner.  I moved from my bed to the couch and tried to enjoy Christmas Eve but didn't make it very long.  Christmas day was very low key because George and Jillian weren't feeling great at that point either so they stayed home with me while Ty and the other two went to visit grandparents.

Thankfully I had already taken some time off from work so I ended up only missing one day which I had a doctors note for.

New Years rolled around and I was slowly feeling better.  Jan 2nd Ty's dad ended up in the hospital with severe chest pains dealing with a series heart attacks that they could do nothing about because to try and open the blockage wasn't an option. He came home on the 6th and is doing okay.

Jan 3rd, Jona was supposed to begin his mission serving at the Orem Digital Processing center but he got sick with a cough (probably the same stuff I had) and ended up not being able to start until January 13th.  Here he is on his very first day.

I couldn't take him over on his first day because I had to work but his Grandma Connie and Grandpa Scott were able to and they took that picture for me.  They are so wonderful and helpful. And I am SO very thankful for them.  They take Jona over every morning and pick him up in the afternoons when I am unable to.  They are invaluable to Jona being able to serve this mission.

January 9th saw Ty leaving for Florida so that he could teach yoga at the Amrit Institute.  He would be gone for 10 days.  I miss him when he goes but it really is such a great thing for him and he enjoys it so much that it's not much of a sacrifice.  

When he is out of town we eat a little differently because he is a pescatarian, (basically a vegetarian but he still eats fish).  I had a card for $25 for a place called Wallaby's which is a meat and potatoes place so I figured I would use that while he was away.  It was the day before he came home and I had been cleaning the house all day.  I was also concerned about some other possible health problems that were looming on the horizon so I figured, hey I could use a break from cooking I'll go pick up some dinner.

Remember what I said at the beginning about the "first" accident.

As I sat in the turning lane to make a left hand turn into the parking lot I noticed an car that was waiting to make a left hand turn out of the parking lot.  The traffic cleared and I turned in.  As I did so the car that was making the left out of the parking lot started pulling out towards me, accelerating quickly.  All I could see was the back of the drivers head as he looked to his right and I knew he was going to hit me.  I don't think he even knew I was there until the collision.

See the tire sitting there in the left corner of the photo?  That is my tire.  He hit me with such force that he completely broke the tire off of back axle.  I felt the car rock back and forth and then I watched in my side view mirror as my tire rolled away.

And then I screamed.  

Very loudly and long.

And then I started crying.

And couldn't stop.

After the first accident, as one of my status' I put "Sometimes I wish I was a 'fall apart in the moment' person".

Be careful what you wish for.

I fell apart.  Big time.

The young man that hit me came and opened the door to ask me if I was okay.  I told him through sobs that yes, I thought so, (one of my knees was hurting and ended up being pretty badly bruised).  He asked me if I could move my vehicle and I told him no that the tire had come off.  He actually worked at Wallaby's so he ran in to see if he could get someone in the restaurant to come out and help me.  There must have been a nurse there because a lady came out and tried to talk to me.

She told me it was good because I wasn't hurt and neither was the other driver but I still couldn't calm down.  She had NO idea what I had gone through up to this point.  I kept sobbing into my hands and tried to apologize between sobs for being so hysterical.

I just kept repeating over and over, "I can't do this. I just can't do this." She asked me what my name was and where I lived and if there was someone she could contact. I told her my husband was out of town and I thought of calling McKenna but I didn't want her to see me so upset.  So I had her call my mother-in-law to see if she and Ty's dad could come and pick me up.

The police showed up and I was still was sobbing.  I told them what had happened as best as I could.  They let me sit in my vehicle because it was so cold outside. So I just sat and cried.  I didn't even want to get out of the Durango to see what damage had been done.  I knew that the tire was off but that was about it.

My in-laws showed up (did I mention how thankful I am for them?) and we got the groceries that I had purchased earlier moved from the Durango into their car.  I had my mother-in-law run into Wallaby's to get the dinner that I had come for in the first place and the manager gave us a free meal.  

Amazingly enough the only damage done was to the axle.  There was no damage at all to the body of the vehicle.  The tire that he hit was slightly damaged and they tried to find a new one but they couldn't.  Thankfully it wasn't damaged badly enough that they couldn't still use it.  The other driver's insurance company took full liability and they did it fast.  The paid for a rental vehicle for us to drive while we waited for a new axle to get here and they were willing to work with us so we didn't have to "total" the Durango.

So that's the update.  Ty got home and things have slowed down a little bit.  They are picking back up now because we are preparing to have my mom move in with us at the end of April and so we are shifting rooms around.  It will be an adjustment for sure but I am looking forward to having her there in our home with us.  She needs to have someone taking care of her instead of her taking care of everyone else.

Many other things have happened.  Good things.  Kenna went on her first date and to her first dance.  Jillian turned 11 and George turned 15.  I started playing volleyball and joined a rec league. It's crazy.  Life just keeps on keeping on.  And I am trying to as well.